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BILLY by Alan James Brown
CHARACTERS in order of appearanc DAD Billy's dad BILLY James Caldwell MUM Billy's mum PAUL EDWARD Billy's friends at home VICKY LIZ Billy's sister TEACHER Billy's form teacher PETER Billy's friend at school
BILLY
DOMESTIC INTERIOR DAD: Well, you're not getting another one! Not bloody likely! BILLY: Dad! DAD: Why can't you take no for an answer, Billy. Give me some peace. I got to put a bet on. BILLY: Mum! MUM: You heard your father, Billy. In a bit, when we're not so short... BILLY: GROANS MUM: Now where're you off to? It's nearly dinner time. BILLY: Going to see Vicky and the gang. MUM: Go see your girl-friend, but be back for dinner! BILLY: GROANS Mum!
CROSSFADE TO EXTERIOR, SOUND OF RUNNING, CHILDREN LAUGHING, BICYCLE BELLS PAUL: You'll have to run faster than that. BILLY: PANTS EDWARD: Like a Zulu warrior. BILLY: Why a Zulu warrior? EDWARD: They run everywhere. Across BILLY: All right, know-all Edward Cook. What're assegais? EDWARD: Spears with big blades on the end for cutting out your guts! VICKY: I think it's mean to make Billy run so fast. We should go without him. BILLY: Hey, Vicky, I thought you were my friend! VICKY: You can't be friends with somebody who hasn't even got a bike. Can't your dad mend it? BILLY: SULKILY He says it can't be mended. I've bent the frame, or something. Anyway, he says he wouldn't mend it even if he could. Not till I learn to ride it better. PAUL: It was a great smash! I heard it from my house. I thought somebody had been killed at least! But it was only you. And there wasn't much blood. BILLY: Dad was gonna give me a good hiding for spoiling me clothes. That's not fair, is it? Me injured, me bike a wreck, and he wants to give me a good hiding! PAUL: Did he? BILLY: No. OTHERS: Shame! EDWARD: Red Indians can stand a lot of pain. They've got these initiations and they torture each other and if they don't cry or anything they get to be braves. VICKY: How can you learn to ride it if you can't ride it? BILLY: Dunno. Said something about me learning me Highway Code. PAUL: It's on page thirty-two. Don't run into the back of parked cars! BILLY: You're not my friend, Paul! EDWARD: Page Fifty-four. Look where you're going! BILLY: Neither are you, Edward! VICKY: Page forty-three. Stay in the saddle at all times! BILLY: I hate you all! If I had an assegai... !
CROSS FADE TO DOMESTIC INTERIOR BILLY: Dad! DAD: Mmm... Double trouble in the four o'clock. Never back the favourite, Billy. Only mugs back the favourite. BILLY: Dad! I've learned me highway code! DAD: Highway what? Which race is that? BILLY: The Highway Code. You told me to learn it. You said you'd get me a new bike if I learned it. PAUSE Or mend me old one. DAD: Did I say that? BILLY: Yeah. Mum heard you. DAD: We'll see. BILLY: I learned it all! I could drive... an articulated lorry! Go on, test me! DAD: You know a lot of big words, Billy. Articulated - where did you get that? BILLY: Page fourteen. It's a big lorry that bends... DAD: I know what it is, an artic. I'm not stupid, you know! BILLY: They have to carry flares and let them off if they break down. DAD: Hmm... BILLY: I think. Go on, test me! Test me! DAD: Right. NOISE OF LEAFING THROUGH PAGES DAD: Yes... well... BILLY: Yes? DAD: Well, then. Right. What's the sequence of traffic lights? BILLY: Sequence? The sequence of traffic lights? DAD: (SLOWLY) The sequence of traffic lights. What comes after green?
CROSSFADE TO EXTERIOR PAUL: Well, what does come after green? BILLY: Amber. No, green and amber. I dunno - I've forgotten again! NOISE OF BIKES - BACKPEDALLING, CLICKING BRAKES BILLY: Where're you going, Paul? PAUL: We're goin down the Damson, ride our bikes on the dirt track. BILLY: That's a long way. PAUL: Not on a bike. VICKY: Everybody should have a bike. You can't have much fun with somebody who hasn't got a bike. EDWARD: You could cook them over a slow fire. That would be fun! PAUL: And eat them with jacket potatoes! EDWARD: And apple sauce! BILLY: Apple sauce? What d'ya mean you'd eat me with apple sauce? EDWARD: When they're cooked, people taste just like pork. When cannibals kill you and eat you... PAUL: Or eat you and kill you... EDWARD: ...they call you 'long pig'. 'Cause that's just what you taste like. PAUL: And look like, all sizzling, on a spit shoved up your... VICKY: Don't be silly! Don't worry, Billy. We wouldn't eat you. Your much too thin! SOUNDS OF LAUGHING, BYCICLE BELLS RINGING PAUL, EDWARD, VICKY: Long pig! Long pig!
FADES INTO THE DISTANCE CROSSFADE TO DOMESTIC INTERIOR MUM: They sent them things from BILLY: It won't be any trouble, Mum. You said that about Hammy, and he was all right, wasn't he? MUM: Urggh! That little... rat thing! I couldn't sleep in me bed for fear it would get out of its cage! BILLY: Oh, it was lovely, Mum! All cuddly and furry to stroke... ! MUM: Stop it, Billy! It would have to go - if it wasn't dead already. BILLY: Stiff as a board... MUM: That's enough! We're not having any more... things... like that. BILLY: This isn't like that. It's not an animal. MUM: It's a plant. That's what Beryl said. Sent over by the Russians. BILLY: A ginger beer plant, Mum. It's good stuff! I've tasted Edward's! MUM: It's not going to get out, is it? BILLY: 'Course not! You keep it in a big jar and it bubbles up a bit. MUM: Well, you can keep it in the shed. I don't want it all over my three piece. BILLY: You can't have it outdoors. Edward said you have to keep it warm, and feed it. MUM: Feed it? It's not having our food! BILLY: Not that kind of food! Plant food! A spoonful of ginger and a spoonful of sugar every day. MUM: And it won't get out? BILLY: It can't get out! As soon as it gets big you drink it and start another one. MUM: I don't know... BILLY: Come on, Mum. Can't I keep it on the mantlepiece? MUM: No. BILLY: That's the only place that's warm. Where else can I keep it that's warm? MUM: Ask your dad.
CROSSFADE BILLY: Dad... DAD: What's it now, Billy? BILLY: This... plant... It needs to be on the mantlepiece... DAD: Ask your mum. BILLY: She said it was all right if you said so. DAD: All right. Anywhere. Where's the paper, Billy? I feel like a little flutter... BILLY: NEIGHING NOISE
CROSSFADE BILLY: Look how it fizzes up when I put the sugar in! MUM: Are you sure it's all right, Billy? It's eating a lot of my sugar... BILLY: 'Course it's all right, Mum. It fizzes in Russian, haven't you noticed? MUM: You can joke, Billy, but I don't think I should let you drink it. Mrs Cox said she threw Paul's away. BILLY: You can't throw it away! That would be murder! Besides, everybody's got one. It must be all right. MUM: I don't know... BILLY: I'll bottle it tomorrow. I'll put it in Dad's old beer bottles. They got good stoppers. Ginger beer's got to be fizzy...
CROSSFADE MUM: I knew I should never've let that stuff in the house! All over my new carpet! Glass everywhere! BILLY: I'm sorry. Edward says that... MUM: Edward! Don't talk to me about Edward! I don't want to hear Edward Cook's name ever again, d'you hear? BILLY: It wasn't many bottles, Mum. There's still plenty left. MUM: Get rid of them! Right now! I don't want a single bottle of ginger beer left in this house!
CROSSFADE TO SMALL ECHOING INTERIOR (SHED) BILLY: We gotter drink 'em, Edward. Me mum says. EDWARD: Is not bad stuff, your ginger beer, Billy. Noras good as mine, but not bad BILLY: I fink they get berrar all the time. That first 'un was good an' thisn's amazin! EDWARD: We oughta sing a song, a song about your ginger beer, Billy. BILLY: Yeah, a song. You start. EDWARD: (MOANING VOICE) Ginger beer! Ginger beer! Drinkin Billy's ginger beer! LAUGHING, SOUND OF MUGS CLINKING, BEER FIZZING BILLY: Ginger beer! Ginger beer! BOTH Listen to it fizz and frothel! LAUGHTER, THEN BOTTLES EXPLODING, BEER HISSING MUM: Billy! Billy! What're you up to?
CROSSFADE TO DOMESTIC INTERIOR MUM: Billy! Just you wait till your dad comes home! BILLY: I don't feel well. I got a headache. Do I have to go to school? MUM: 'Course you do. I'm not having you under my feet all day, moping round the house. I got me work to do. BILLY: I'll help you. MUM: You go to school and get your lessons. Then you'll go to the grammar like you said, remember? BILLY: Yeah, that's what I said, but... MUM: You get yourself an education and you'll get a decent job. Not like your dad slaving his guts out in a factory, or your brother breaking his back on the building. BILLY: It's hard... MUM: You've got the brains in the family. Studying and book work comes easy to you. BILLY: It's not easy... MUM: William and Tom couldn't do it. It was too hard for them. BILLY: It's hard work... MUM: Yes, you work hard. You can do it. They couldn't. Don't waste the brains God gave you. BILLY: Oh, all right, Mum.
CROSSFADE TO EXTERIOR PAUL: So you're goin to the grammar, eh Billy? BILLY: Who told you that? PAUL: We got spies everywhere. Ain't we Edward? EDWARD: Me and Paul, we got confessions under torture. We pulled finger-nails out, one by one... PAUL: And then we went on to the toes... VICKY: I don't suppose you'll want anything to do with me. BILLY: No, Vicky. I mean, yes. I mean... PAUL: Too good for us, he is. Too good for your old friends, Billy! BILLY: Hey! Don't push! EDWARD: Your ex-friends. VICKY: You can't be friends with anybody who goes to the grammar. All stuck up and high and mighty. PAUL: Their parents take them by car. They don't have bikes, stuck up kids like that. BILLY: They do! They got bicycle sheds! I've seen 'em! PAUL: Humph! Must be for the teachers.
CROSSFADE TO DOMESTIC INTERIOR MUM: Your dad's made you some gloves, Billy. He's made some for Liz as well. He'd've made for all you kids, but he ran out of skin. BILLY: Skin? MUM: Rabbit skin. The one we ate on Sunday. You said it was very nice. Delicious, you said. Nobody's ever said my cooking was delicious before! BILLY: Yeah, well... it was all right. But I didn't know you made gloves out of rabbits! MUM: 'Cours you can! What d'you think fur coats and that are made of? It's mostly rabbit. Here, try 'em on. BILLY: I can't get my hand in. MUM: Yeah, well, they're a bit stiff. Dad hasn't got the hang of it yet, what you do to make them soft. BILLY: Tannin'. MUM: Yes, that. Trust you to know the word. They'll soften up as you wear them. BILLY: They're like flippers. I can't bend me fingers. I feel like a penguin, or one of those men who guide the planes in. MUM: They're not much cop, are they? Just don't tell your dad. He's put so much work into 'em. Wear 'em for a bit, so's he can see. BILLY: Mum, I can't do anything in them! They're like boards! As stiff as Hammy! Listen. They crackle when I move me hands! CRACKLY NOISE MUM: Just don't tell your dad.
CROSSFADE BILLY: Dad! DAD: Hang on, Billy. I'm just writing this bet out. Wincanton. The four o'clock. BILLY: Dad! Mum said to tell you I did my exams today! DAD: Your exams, Billy? BILLY: Me eleven plus. For the grammar. DAD: Right! Did you pass? BILLY: I duuno! They don't mark it straight away, you know! It's not like the four o'clock at Wincanton! DAD: Now don't give me your cheek, Billy. You must know how you did, a clever boy like you. Did you do all the questions? BILLY: No, I didn't finish... DAD: Well, that's that, then. I must say, I'm disappointed. I thought you'd do better than that. BILLY: You don't have to do all the questions. There's lots and lots of 'em. Nobody could answer 'em all! DAD: Never mind. You'll get over it. BILLY: I might pass... DAD: After all, you haven't lost anything, have you. You can still go to the modern like Tom and William. BILLY: I don't want to go to the modern. DAD: What's wrong with the modern? It was good enough for the rest of the family! You too good for us now, Billy? BILLY: No, it's not that... DAD: You ashamed of your own family? BILLY: No, it's just... DAD: Just because you got brains and we haven't? BILLY: No...
CROSSFADE LIZ: Mum, you won't eat Snowy, will you? MUM: You know your dad, Liz. He don't keep rabbits for pets. It's a big family to feed - you and Billy... LIZ: But Snowy's my rabbit. I look after him - feed him, clean his hutch and everything! MUM: ...and Tom and William. LIZ: He's ever so tame! Lets you hold him and stroke him! MUM: You'd better tell your dad. LIZ: I did. MUM: Well, then. LIZ: He just said he don't keep rabbits for pets. MUM: Hmm. I ask Dad to get me a rabbit for the pot, he goes out and grabs the first one that comes to hand. A tame one'd come to hand pretty quick LIZ: You tell him, Mum! You tell him he can't touch Snowy! MUM: Your dad's a law unto himself, Liz. But I suppose we could ask Mrs Green to look after Snowy. LIZ: To keep him safe for me? MUM: That's right. They're only two doors down. You could see Snowy every day. And Dad wouldn't get him. LIZ: Oh, do you think she would?
CROSSFADE MUM: There was a letter today. From the "Chief Education Officer". BILLY: It's me letter! Have I passed? Have I passed? Am I going to the Grammar? MUM: You have a look. I couldn't make head nor tail of it. It's a very important letter. BILLY:
CROSSFADE, SOUND OF (LIZ) CRYING MUM: What's up, Liz? Here, use my pinny. MORE CRYING MUM: Come on now, it can't be that bad. The world hasn't come to an end! LIZ: (HYSTERICALLY) It's Snowy! MUM: I hope you told Mrs Green how grateful you are. LIZ: I went to feed him, to take him some dandelions. You know how he loves dandelions. MUM: Not too many. LIZ: His cage was empty. MUM: Too many dandelions ain't good for rabbits. LIZ: Mum, they've eaten him. They've eaten Snowy! MUM: Oh dear.
CROSSFADE TO LARGE INTERIOR, CLASSROOM NOISE TEACHER: Caldwell, James. BILLY: Yes. TEACHER: Yes, sir, Caldwell. BILLY: Yes, sir. PETER: (WHISPERS) You said your name was Billy! BILLY: They call me Billy at 'ome. Me real name's James. Do the teachers call everybody by their last names? PETER: All the boys. They call the girls by their first names. Teachers like girls. Swots they are, all of 'em. TEACHER: Right! Go to your first lesson!
SOUNDS OF CHAIRS, FEET, ECHOING CORRIDORS BILLY: It's ever so big! PETER: No it ain't! My old school was nearly as big as this! BILLY: Where do we go? PETER: Just follow everyboy else. Somebody'll know where to go. They always do!
CROSSFADE TO DOMESTIC INTERIOR DAD: How did you get on today, Billy? BILLY: All right. I met a boy called Peter. DAD: How did you get on with your lessons? BILLY: Maths was hard. We never did stuff like that at the old school. DAD: We never did it at all. BILLY: You must've! Everybody does sums! DAD: Oh, sums! Why didn't you say so? Of course we did sums. BILLY: They got different names for everything at the grammar. Like, we don't do English - we do literature and language. DAD: I don't know anything about them things, and neither does your mother. There's nobody in our family ever been to the grammar but you, Billy. You're on your own now.
CROSSFADE TO EXTERIOR, BICYCLE BILLY: I got it back! I got me bike back! Look! It's good as new! PAUL: I bet you got it for going to the grammar. BILLY: It's a long way. PAUL: It's the same road as the old school. VICKY: It's a bit nearer. EDWARD: A lot nearer than the modern. BILLY: Oh, I don't ride it to school anyway. I walk. PAUL: You walk when you've got a bike? BILLY: You've got to have a lock and chain. Me dad said he couldn't afford it. Not after the bike. PAUL: Can't you nick one? I got a key'll fit anything. I'll lend it you. VICKY: Billy won't do that. BILLY: How do you know? VICKY: He's much too nice, going to the grammar in his uniform. You can't nick things when you're in a uniform. Everybody knows where you come from. BILLY: I can still nick things! PAUL: You never was any good at nicking things, Billy. Always scared you was gonna get caught. BILLY: So was you! PAUL: I was caught. Last week. Been put on probation. BILLY: Oh. EDWARD: My dad'd give me a beltin' if I was caught nicking things. VICKY: Oh, you're as bad as Billy! You'd have gone to the grammar if you could. EDWARD: No I wouldn't. We'd have turned it down, me Mum said. We couldn't afford the uniform. BILLY: You can get second-hand stuff... PAUL: I wouldn't wear other people's stuff. All my stuff is new. If me Mum can't afford it, I nick it. BILLY: (MISERABLY) You can't nick uniform. Everything's got your name in it. VICKY: That's so's you'll remember who you are, Billy. PAUL, EDWARD, VICKY: We won't! BILLY: Let's go down to the Damson and ride our bikes! PAUL: We don't do that anymore. We're going out on our roller skates. See you, Billy! EDWARD, VICKY: See you, Billy!
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Copyright © 1993 Alan James Brown
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